I am choosing myself

this is huge.

i am choosing myself.

this doesn’t happen too often in my life. don’t get me wrong, i can be selfish just like any other person (and i am).

but i am a people pleaser. especially to those who i care about. i don’t like to disappoint and i’m learning to get over that feeling – you can’t please everyone.

this is different.

why?

because it involves a guy. and i definitely don’t know how to choose myself in that scenario. i’m trying to learn.

i really love the word surrender. but i’m also liking instead lately.

he doesn’t choose me first (ever) from my perspective. so i’m practicing choosing myself first instead.

let me tell ya, it’s scary.

not to be dramatic…but i am terrified.

not to worry. that’s just all my past programming and ego coming to the rescue (but not really). so i’m just leaning into it and showing myself all the love and compassion.

so…instead of giving away my energy and love to someone else, i’m going to give it to myself. see what happens

maybe try choosing yourself in one scenario this week. see what happens

much love

xx

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why am i chasing life?

it took me a long time to figure out why i chose this name for this website.

i’m still not entirely sure this is accurate

however, i was journaling and i wrote down about chasing the things i love in life.

this contradicts a book i’m currently reading by Pema Chodron.

she references the fluidity and impermanence of this world. so chasing after the things that make us feel good and trying to avoid the things that don’t isn’t the way to live life.

that causes us to live in a place of resistance. labeling. seeing things as good or bad.

life isn’t black or white.

so this site serves as a reminder to me that i’m not chasing things in life. i’m not chasing this life. i’m surrendering and allowing life to flow through me.

i am a creative being – i love individuality and those fellow creatives out there who are in touch with their soul.

writing has always been an outlet for me. even at a young age. but i’ve never really “perfected it” or practiced. i was innately decent at grammar in school…not that it means much

but i don’t really know what life is all about.

my goal over the last 5 years or so has been to become aligned and awake. to question things. to love myself fiercely so that i may create passionately and love the world.

so no, i’m not chasing after anything or anyone. i am still. i am open to all possibilities (at least that’s what i’m working on).

honestly, i don’t know if this made any sense whatsoever. i’m still gonna post it without much thought. these are just some ramblings after an emotional afternoon.

chasing after things that make you feel good doesn’t open you up to all the possibilities in the world. love every minute. soak it all up. because life is short, as they say.

don’t hate, meditate

i cried while meditating again this morning.

not a full on sob-fest that i’d be embarrassed for anyone to see.

just one tear from each eye making its way down my cheeks. taking thoughts and emotions along with it.

i’ve been meditating recently. Deepak Chopra and Oprah have a 21-day meditation thing going on for free (after 6 days, i purchased the whole thing ha!).

it’s honestly been such a good practice for me. i purchased it because i wanted to support something so awesome AND i wanted to access these meditations whenever i wanted.

they are so powerful and focus on how loving we already are within ourselves.

focusing on loving yourself and knowing who you are comes first before we can learn to love others unconditionally.

that’s what i’m hoping to achieve through this program.

but this is the second time i’ve cried while using their meditation.

i was feeling restless. i couldn’t focus (even with the mantra of the day). until something within me said to grab my rose quartz heart.

with that between my hands, it absorbed all my nervous, restless energy and i was able to be still. so still that those tears fell from my closed eyes.

it’s such a beautiful moment i was able to share with myself. i do feel a bit vulnerable sharing it on the internet. but i’m working on shifting my normal behaviors and living outside the box i created for myself.

plus, Janne Robinson has been a huge inspiration to me recently. (she’s such a bad-ass, definitely consider checking her out on Instagram).

well, thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts. if you have ever pondered meditation, maybe this is a sign to give it a try! youtube is the best free reference to get started.

much love

k

synchronicities

the way the world syncs up sometimes is way cool.

no one understands why things happen the way they do until after the fact. (sometimes not even then).

right now, i’m getting a lot of messages to be more vulnerable and brave. by “coincidence” i watched part of Brene Brown’s Netflix special.

then a few different times today slack-lining came to my attention. that’s something i find fascinating but tell myself i can never do or try. (gotta love the ego, right?)

that’s just scratching the surface.

today was just a day reminding me to be more vulnerable and open.

now i could share a mantra i’ve been repeating to myself recently. but that scares the shit out of me to share something so personal…my ego is flipping out on me just considering doing it.

it feels as though it’s a matter of life and death. so i’m gonna choose life.

here’s my mantra:

i am open.
i am light.
i am love.

was that so hard? YES. but i’m doing it anyway.

this mantra during meditation the other day made me cry. and it’s brought me such comfort this past week.

GUYS. meditation sounds like a hoax or a waste of time, but when it presents itself to you at the right time, dive right in. you won’t regret it.

circling back to the first thought of this post, i don’t know why this lesson is coming into my life. but i’m sure if i’m open and aware, it will become clear to me later on 🙂

well, i love you. that’s all i feel to say for now. until next time?

k

i love.

i love to write. journal. read.

but i’m scared. and doubtful.

i don’t like capital letters. and i love lots of punctuation.

my mind gets in the way of my flow when i feel writing counts.

in my journal, there are no “rules” so anything goes. there’s no stopping the flow there.

but here…i have to say something that matters. something that doesn’t waste your time.

who says i have to? me?

yep. me.

keeping it real is something i love about some humans on the internet.

their posts and blogs and videos light me up.

why censor myself?

creativity is my jam. so is writing.

i even started what i thought would be a book. ha! someday i’ll come back to that.

that voice in my head tells me no one cares about what i have to say. that kinda makes me laugh. just kidding, i’m smiling and laughing out loud at how ridiculous it sounds.

so on this spiritual path of mine, i’m going to stop giving a fuck. i’m gonna start posting all the shit that flows from my head on here.

i started this blog for a reason and haven’t been able to part with it for years. i felt there was always something here. a way to channel creativity.

no one knows this blog exists (of all the humans i personally know in this world).

for now, i’m gonna keep it that way. one day i’ll share it with them. but this is as vulnerable as i can get for one day.

so i love you all to whoever is reading this. everyone needs more love in their life. so stay beautiful and true to yourself.

peace.

 

p.s. my favorite song right now: Vibes by Griffin Stoller

Orange is The New…Orange?

selective focus photo of orange cosmos flower in bloom

 

Do you believe something or someone can be replaced?

If a vase gets broken. Can it be replaced? What if there’s another vase that’s the exact same? Is it really the same vase? Or is it simply another version of something that is actually unique in its own way?

Call me crazy but I don’t there’s a replacement for anything in this world. All things living and non-living are unique in their own way. That’s what makes them so precious and impermanent.

The fact that something can be broken or someone can no longer exist. That’s what helps us savor the moments we do have with those people or precious creations.

Take nothing for granted. From your time here to the breaths you take in this moment.

Life is full of beauty and power if you open your eyes to what’s in front of you. So much is impermanent because life is about change.

Nature is a wonderful example of this. Everything ebbs and flows in perfect harmony. We perceive it as destructive but there’s a reason behind some things dying and others coming to life.

Whoever said nothing lasts forever was right.

I’m not saying this from a high pedestal. Rather this comes from my soul. The part of me that knows and understands the fragility of life. The part of me that is overshadowed by my ego and mind most of the time. She comes forth here and there to remind me of what’s real and truthful.

I wanted to share this because it’s something I’m working on right now. Savoring all moments of my life. Taking a step back to absorb everything in.

Big picture has always been a struggle for me. To grasp where I am literally in this moment is quite difficult for my mind.

But that’s where I get lost once again. It’s not about my mind. My heart and soul don’t have difficulty absorbing my reality. They are fluent in that language.

Back to the point. Don’t lose sight of what’s important to you.

Life is fleeting yet full of so much magical promise. Hold onto that love and strength. And contemplate how you feel about replacements.

Can anything or anyone be replaced? What does the word unique mean to you? Does anything come to mind when you think of that word? Have you smiled today?

Either way, orange isn’t the new orange.

Or is it?

xx

Photo by sifat E Mohammad on Pexels.com

Life’s Rollercoasters

Rollercoasters are fun, right?

People pay to go on them. They stand in line for sometimes hours to ride them. They buy extra passes to skip the lines (because who likes to wait?).

They are meant to be fun.

What about the rollercoasters involved in daily life? The highs and lows. No one tells you about those. No one wants to wait in line or pay money for that.

However, without the lows we don’t truly know what the highs are like.

What I’ve come to know is that I can only take things one day at a time. Life changes too frequently for me to keep up sometimes. It’s easy to laugh a lot of the heavy things off, but when I no longer can I’m trying to practice patience.

Patience is a virtue, some say. And they are right. It’s a freaking virtue I never learned as a kid because I have zero patience with myself. I’m working on it…

So go easy on yourself today. If you didn’t get shit done that you meant to, laugh it off. Life got in the way of your so-called plans. It’s better to relax and enjoy the minutes of your day rather than stay up all night in bed because you hardly did anything that day.

xx K